Surrendering Our Man Made

Why do I worry about the future?

Perhaps because I'm a woman, and that's what we do.

Or maybe because I don't trust. A trait I inherited from my mother, who got it from her mother, who learned it from her mother... passed all the way down from my grandmother Eve.

I worry because of pride. I think, somehow that I can to do things better. I don't let go and let God. I've got my own plans for myself.

There is this secret desire inside of each us to be great! We talk about life purpose, but what we really mean is that we want to be something important. "My life needs to have meaning!" We say, deceiving ourselves into believing that our motives our pure.

As Christians we develop "high" goals of missions or outreach. "If I can just change others lives!" We gush with holy enthusiasm, yet in our hearts we are looking for self-glory.

I've filled my own life with my own man made dreams. In the name of God I've struggled to make my life more than it is. If only....I could reach that goal, then my life would be worth living! I've sought to accomplish something great. Over romanticized visions of the future. In the end, my desired dreams and self sacrifice added up to empty self-glorification.

By God's grace, I'm choosing now to lay down my man made dreams. Letting go of all my own ideas for my future. I want to be emptied. Let me now live a life only to Christ. That is the purpose for my life. No more grandiose ideas, no butterflies or rainbows, just me and Jesus.

Planning Fright

Each time I tell someone I'm a teacher I feel confidant.  Ya!  I'm a teacher!  It's great to say; to feel like you know something.  I think, "Ya, I'm a real professional!"  I can sit down at a table with other teachers to throw around the "teacher" lingo, a few buzz words here and there.  I know what they are saying; we get each other.

But then ...

I sit down with my text books in front of me.  I can feel the panic slowly to the pit of my stomach.  "What am I doing!"  My head is screaming at me.  "What was I thinking! I can't teach!  High school English?"

I think it's like stage fright, except different.

I stare at the list of things to cover: personal writing, subject writing, creative, writing, persuasive writing...the list keeps going.  "I don't know anything!  I'm not even a good writer!"  The panic is getting worse.  "How do I want to approach this?  Will they just tune me out?  What if I'm not creative enough?  How do I grab their attention?"  I only have one of my four classes laid out on the table and already I'm overwhelmed.  "How to I choose what to cover and how and when and....."

I should know all this. I've been teaching for five years!  Why can't I figure it out?  Ugggg... looks like I might be doing some flying by the seat of my pants if I can't scrawl out even a basic outline!